that's what you get for being polite.

AMBW (Asian man/Black woman as in interracial dating) is a topic I have tried not to participate in actively. A few years ago, I found some of the blogs and facebook groups, and I would read, lurk, and sometimes comment, because, HEY, I liked Asian guys, and I am a Black woman, and I was curious, mostly about the way Black women are perceived by Asian guys. It’s an unfortunate symptom of being a woman of color, and especially a Black woman, that you must often approach interracial dating as if you have something to apologize for. “Hey, I’m sorry I’m Black, but I still have a coochie, so are you still interested?” 

And because of that, you get a lot of the (in AMBW’s case) Asian-male saviors of Black women coming in acting as if their simple “yes, I am still interested in you Black coochie” has somehow rescued Black women from their lives of doomed sexual and romantic solitude.

I do realize that this is not the attitude of the men involved, but it’s the impression given, that for me, after a while, became much of the reason that I avoided AMBW sites and their discussions.

I have been sitting on this feeling and this topic for a long time, and I haven’t seen it discussed or brought up, so I felt I was alone in this feeling, but I have decided to go ahead and make a post. I decided not to use the “read more” feature, as that often times means people won’t actually read the post. Forgive me if my grammar, spelling, or syntax is lacking in this post. I’m sort of just free-hand writing it off of the top of my head. No edit, no pre-planning… this is just … my immediate thoughts on the topic. 

I think my main problem with the AMBW sites/blogs/what-not is the qualifiers that AM place on the BW. The things that are demonized (that are fucking simple things that should be inconsequential or at least be something dealt with between a particular couple rather than the whole community). 

It feels like Black women are first expected to fit into the collective Asian men’s opinion of what’s acceptable.

Education level.

Personal interests.

Income level.

Etc, etc. 

It’s my understanding that these site are also not necessarily intended to be dating sites. Why should MY personal interest or education level be on trial based solely upon the fact that I am also interested in dating Asian men. The men come in with preconceived notions about Black people, or non-Asians, and seem to deem it unacceptable to have many of these characteristics before you can even attempt to express interest in Asian men. 

Much of this isn’t in-turn applied to Asian men by Black women.

I have seen people attacked for posting a TaeYang video, meanwhile, some guy is expressing his love for Beyonce, and all the women are applauding him. 

Maybe that is in part due to some sort of insecurity Asian guys have, that they can’t live up to the expectations someone like TaeYang sets, but in reality, most Black women aren’t Beyonce, either, so I don’t see much of a difference. 

I have seen guys making posts that they are attracted to Black women, but are afraid that they’ll be too masculine (wtf?) or that they will be poor (wtf?) or uneducated (wtf?) because “Asians have some of the highest statistics in education and income level and over all wealth, while Blacks have some of the lowest statistics.”

And people discuss this, as if this is acceptable commentary. Women actually explain how *they’re* not like that, and *their* family is well-off, and *they* had a proper education and so on and so forth, and as I watch these conversations, I can’t help but feel insulted and wonder why this is even being discussed.

Again, these are all topics to be discussed by an individual couple, rather than the community. If my BOYFRIEND takes issue with my TaeYang love (as an example), or my lack of education, then that’s something for us to communicate on, as an individual pair. This is not for YOU, as an AMBW community, to decide or judge me on.

Because honestly, what a person is like, what they are interested in, and what their personal stats are, those are things that make that someone unique. Things that make them, them. 

And if a particular person feels that they couldn’t date that particular person because of those things, that is fine. But a community attacking anyone who doesn’t fit their standards is extremely problematic, to me.

It’s reflective of society, in general, expecting POC to conform to certain standards (beauty, culture, etc), to be deemed acceptable in society. And it’s even more problematic that these things are MOSTLY forced on the BW in the groups. The AM do get reprimanded on occasion, and are expected to not be basically flat-out racists or something, or womanizers (even though I can see a few CLEAR womanizers in many of the frequent AMBW posters); but it is no where near close to the standards placed on the Black women. 

I shouldn’t have to feel like I need to hide things about myself, or change things about myself in order to participate in AMBW. 

And more so, if Asian men are not the only thing I am interested in, not the prize I am hoping to win one day, why should I subject myself to their constant judgement? 

Honestly, if my entire person is questioned just because I happen to like K-pop (which I do), then I’m more likely to say “fuck it” and give up on AMBW, than delete my love of K-pop (which has less to do with liking Asian men, than it has to do with liking K-pop… Just saying.) There are other men. Many other men. Men that will allow me to love K-pop AND date them. 

Men that will allow me to never graduate from college AND date them.

Men that see me, not as a series of things about me, but as a person. 

That’s what I’m missing on AMBW blogs/site/groups. I feel like I am not judged as a person. I feel like the women judge the men based on them as individuals (or maybe that’s their feverish need to be close to Asian males… I’m not exactly sure, yet.), while the women are judged on whether or not they OOPS posted a SHINee video on the AMBW wall. 

Because, yeah, posting K-pop means you have a fetish, and not, I don’t know, pouncing on every Asian male who posts fucking “hi.”

I don’t know if I’m saying what I want to say. It’s not about K-pop, really, although that is one of the things I take issue with, when it comes to AMBW. 

It’s mostly about how the women have to strive to fit this amazing standard, while the men basically just need to be Asian. 

I don’t want to feel like I’m being thrown a bone. Like you’re rescuing me, the poor black girl who can’t find love, simply by being there and having a dick. 

I might be alone, but I just feel that this is a little problematic. And this is the reason I no longer participate in discussions on AMBW sites. Commentary is welcome.